I was looking for a good topic to do a NLP video on so I started off with searching on YouTube “How to use NLP to” and this is what I found:
Before I get into this, I’m a featured speaker, among many other speakers, at the Get Your Life Back online summit. It’s a summit for ambitious people like you who are feeling burned out. Give it a look!
Like Google, before you can even finish typing YouTube suggests several possible searches in a drop down box. This is based on the most popular searches.
Apparently a lot of people… Okay, a lot of men, are searching for how to use NLP on women. This is a controversial topic and if you know me you know I don’t shy away from controversial topics.
In this article (and video) I’m going to show you how to use NLP on women!
Before I do that (and before all the ladies unsubscribe) I should let you know that this works on men. It also works in sales situations. Actually it is a powerful framework that most NLP is based on.
Isn’t this manipulative, immoral, and unethical?
That part depends on you. More on that later.
The first and essential frame is Rapport.
Everything; all change work, persuasion, transformation, etc. happens in rapport. If you’re on a date and there’s no rapport, it’s not going to go anywhere.
I’ve written about rapport many times and have made videos on how to establish it so I’m not going to get into it here. Just know that rapport is familiarity and trust and you can use techniques like sensory acuity, calibration, matching and mirroring, to name a few, to establish rapport rapidly.
Once you’ve established rapport it’s time to decide on your Outcome. In other words, now that you’re familiar with the person, what do you want?
If you’re a guy you’re probably thinking you want sex.
That’s fine. I’m not going to tell you not to want that. It’s natural, but maybe you want to take things slower, which is not a bad idea. Maybe your outcome is to get a second date and continue to get to know her better.
You’re two minutes into the date. You’ve established rapport. You’ve decided on an outcome. What’s next?
Ecology: This is where your morals and ethics come in, but ecology is even better.
Morals and ethics tend to be static rules that are not always easy to apply to ever changing situations. Life isn’t static so rules might have to bend or break.
Think of yourself as a system that seeks balance. Is your outcome good for you or would achieving your outcome be introducing something that might throw you out of balance?
For example, maybe you sense she’s not emotionally stable. If your outcome is sex. Achieving your outcome may introduce more problems than you can handle and this is exactly why you want to think ecologically.
Now think of her as a system that seeks balance. Would you achieving your outcome provide value for her? Or would it somehow be a losing proposition for her?
Just the fact that you’re considering these things will come through in your communication and if she’s an aware being she will pick up on this and appreciate it.
Now think of your interaction with her as one whole system. Would achieving your outcome, whatever it is, be good for the whole system?
It doesn’t have to be perfect. Few outcomes or 100% positive (with no drawbacks). You just want to make sure you’re aware of possible consequences and that you’re considering yourself and her before proceeding with achieving your outcome.
Is your outcome ecological? If not, you may need to change your outcome a few times before it is.
If you’ve established rapport, you’re clear on your outcome, and you’ve checked ecology and everything checks out the final frame is using a Technique or a Pattern.
This is the part most men are probably looking for when they search Youtube for how to use NLP on women. They’re looking for a technique or pattern without understanding the first three frames and this is why they usually can’t make the technique or pattern work.
This is also true for sales people, coaches, and therapists trying and failing to use NLP effectively.
If you’re a man reading this you’re probably wanting a magical language pattern that is so effective all you have to do is sit back and speak it loud enough for her to hear it and suddenly she’s marshmallow in your hands.
While it’s true you can become highly skilled at language patterns and get to the point of doing something like this, but I don’t recommend it.
Being overly methodical and using memorized patterns usually ends up creating distance between you and her. While it may get you your outcome it’s rather dehumanizing. Always move in the direction of becoming more human, which means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and making sure you see people as being just like you, not objects or functions that serve you.
What I’m about to tell you is outrageously effective and often overlooked by men. It’s a powerful way to communicate, often more powerful than words. It can even communicate what words cannot and it gets the message across much faster than words and you don’t have to memorize anything.
So what is it?
Yes it’s really that simple.
Touch is usually more powerful than words especially when you’re in rapport. Touch when you’re not in rapport is still powerful, but it’s powerful in repelling people. Don’t touch until you’re in rapport.
There was a study done with waiters. One group was told not to touch the people they were waiting on. The other group was told to find a way to touch the people they were waiting on on their arm between the wrist and elbow.
Guess who made more tips?
Yep, the waiters and waitresses who touched the people at their tables made far more tips.
Find a way to touch her in places that are appropriate like the knee or the hand or forearm. See how she responds to your touch. If she pulls away or jumps, you’re not in rapport. Go back through the previous three frames starting with establishing rapport.
If she seems comfortable with your touch move onto the upper arm and the back. If she’s comfortable with that move to the neck. See the video for more on how to touch.
Of course if you’re using this in sales or as a coach or therapist you will want to keep the touching just to the hands are the lower part of the arm.
I’ve talked to many women about dating and a recurring complaint is that when they’re on a date and they like the guy, he often doesn’t touch her enough.
We’re taught in society that touch is improper. We’re taught from a young age to keep our hands to ourselves.
Unfortunately this very important form of communication has been pushed aside because some people touch at inappropriate times and on inappropriate places, but this doesn’t mean you have to throw it out completely. It just means you need to use your calibration skills and use ecology to know when it’s appropriate and when it’s not.
If you’re taking your time and you’re not being creepy or overly aggressive, most women will politely let you know if they’re not appreciating your touch.
If that happens, stop and go back to establishing rapport. You also may need to change your outcome. She may not be the connection you’re looking for.
If you’re a woman reading this, glad you made it this far. Everything I’ve written here works extraordinarily well on men and of course it also works with same sex dating. We’re all human.
What I’ve found in dating is that most women know they want to be touched by a man they’re in rapport with. Most men want to be touched by a woman they’re in rapport with, but they don’t know it. Men are often stuck in their heads trying to make the date go well.
So ladies I recommend taking the initiative and touching a man on a date who you like and see what happens.